Authority : Mindless Compliance?

"Authority" appears to be a stifling word in parenting. Aren't we supposed to give freedom of choice and exploration to our child as young as possible so that they can discover their potential and "place in the world"? If freedom of choice and expression brings about greater good - why is there an escalating trend of teenage rebelliousness and aimlessness? It has to do with the focus of the freedom.

True freedom is the power to do what we ought rather than what we want. How then does a child overcome the natural inclination of selfishness and disobedience? It is through the authoritative guidance of the parent. If we as parents do not exercise our authoritative role at home, that mantle of leadership will then be assumed by friends and peers - which then begins the journey where your child is gradually transformed to think and behave more like their peers than their parents. Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying that the child should dress and talk like you but that they should embrace your values and direction for life. Imitation is the highest form of respect. If my child consistently has a higher regard for the opinion of his friend than mine, I know I still have work to do. Here are 5 practical steps you can take to reclaim your role as the rightful authority figure at home :

1. Communicate Expectations Clearly. A child that is not properly taught has no choice but to misbehave. Avoid generic commands like - "I want you to be good when we go to the store". Instead state it clearly, "I want you to walk next to me all the time when we are in the store and do not touch anything without my permission."
2. Practice Situational Rehearsals. Avoid disciplining by the seat of your pants. Spend time to rehearse through with your child on the expected behavior before the actual event. Table manners, greeting others respectfully, safety considerations and not interrupting adult conversations are a few example of situations where prior training and instruction may be necessary.
3. Mean What You Say. A child will test every rule that you set by attempting to get as close to breaking it as possible. This is exactly why you should not discipline a child in anger. Be in control of the enforcement of your verbal warning. Do it. Be consistent. Then your child knows that his parent's word is as good as law. A consistently enforced consequence is the best antitode to parenting by nagging!
4. Do Not Argue. Children has a tendency to "invite" the parent to argue by asking "Why?" (in a defiant tone). Do not attempt to debate because the focus of that "Why" is already self-centered from the start! State your reasons once and then proceed to enforcement. If a child can be argued into good behavior, then we do not need the law, only lawyers would do!
5. Relationship Before Correction. A parent who leads best, leads by love. The motivation for exercising our authoritative role at home is to bring order and harmony into the life of the child. Without a prior commitment to a loving relationship, I have no basis for exercising my authority. Without a firm commitment to authoritative guidance, I have no basis for commanding respect. So, really - love and authority are not opposite poles, rather they are both sides of the same coin.

A child who grows up in a family where the parents exercise benevolent leadership is going to be a "mind-ful" adult when he grows up. This is because he has been trained to consider the needs of others first before his own. In short, he knows what it means to show respect to others - isn't respect the key ingredient to what makes a society work? It is when respect is missing, that one grows to become a "mind-less" individual who is so full of himself that others are there just to serve his needs! When I exercise authority at home, I am actually training my child to be much better adjusted to society later on. Think about it.