Comment : Unimaginative, Obedient Clones?

Ah!... the Asian obsession with discipline. Its only necessary because Asians have failed to be guides and mentors to their children. Instead they would rather force them into the mould "that has been proven and tested" to produce mindless, unimaginative, obedient and (supposedly) respectful clones - (comment from a listener).

I agree. Mentoring is a key parenting responsibility. However, it is the "cart" which should be placed only once the "horse" is in place. A truly mentoring relationship assumes the following :

1. The mentoree (the one being mentored) is willing and committed to the mentoring process.
2. The mentor acts from a position of confidence and authority (not frustration and anger).
3. There is a framework by which consistent value-judgement decisions are made.

The above criteria can only be met if the child has been raised by parents who take an active leadership role in their lives (especially during the primary years of age 3-12). I do not believe in the tabula rasa philosophy where children are assumed to be fundamentally good. In fact, our instinctive experience shows otherwise i.e. more effort needs to be put in to train for good character while the default mode is one of deterioration. So, the early years of child rearing ought to be focused on building the right attitude of respect for authority. Think about it - the very basis of civilized living is based on respect. Respect for life. Respect for possession. Respect for property. Respect for teachers. The list goes on.

Does that mean the child then becomes unimaginative and mindless? On the contrary, an obedient child is a happy child. One who has been trained to live in right relationship with others will focus on a "responsibility" attitude rather than that of an "entitlement" mindset. However, we parents must be mindful not to equate authority with a show of force - abusive use of strength and threats are never justified.

What about creativity? Creativity works best when there is a strong value focus. Let's face it - even a bank robber needs creativity! But what distinguishes a robber from a donor? It is their value-judgement framework. This framework I believe is best built within a relationship of respect for authority structures. In other words, once the heart is in the right place, the skills of the hands find its rightful expression. Again, I cannot over-emphasize the need for a parent to be lovingly authoritative and authoritatively loving. To love without authority leads to permissiveness and to exercise authority without love leads to harshness.

In summary, the "cloning" process is vital if it is focused on building values and good character for this forms the foundation by which the exercise of the skills of creativity will find meaning, purpose and direction. Effective parenting at the end of the day is to set the heart of our child in the right place and when it is, then the mentoring experience becomes a pleasant one. To mentor well, we must first teach diligently. Any takers?

Authority : Mindless Compliance?

"Authority" appears to be a stifling word in parenting. Aren't we supposed to give freedom of choice and exploration to our child as young as possible so that they can discover their potential and "place in the world"? If freedom of choice and expression brings about greater good - why is there an escalating trend of teenage rebelliousness and aimlessness? It has to do with the focus of the freedom.

True freedom is the power to do what we ought rather than what we want. How then does a child overcome the natural inclination of selfishness and disobedience? It is through the authoritative guidance of the parent. If we as parents do not exercise our authoritative role at home, that mantle of leadership will then be assumed by friends and peers - which then begins the journey where your child is gradually transformed to think and behave more like their peers than their parents. Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying that the child should dress and talk like you but that they should embrace your values and direction for life. Imitation is the highest form of respect. If my child consistently has a higher regard for the opinion of his friend than mine, I know I still have work to do. Here are 5 practical steps you can take to reclaim your role as the rightful authority figure at home :

1. Communicate Expectations Clearly. A child that is not properly taught has no choice but to misbehave. Avoid generic commands like - "I want you to be good when we go to the store". Instead state it clearly, "I want you to walk next to me all the time when we are in the store and do not touch anything without my permission."
2. Practice Situational Rehearsals. Avoid disciplining by the seat of your pants. Spend time to rehearse through with your child on the expected behavior before the actual event. Table manners, greeting others respectfully, safety considerations and not interrupting adult conversations are a few example of situations where prior training and instruction may be necessary.
3. Mean What You Say. A child will test every rule that you set by attempting to get as close to breaking it as possible. This is exactly why you should not discipline a child in anger. Be in control of the enforcement of your verbal warning. Do it. Be consistent. Then your child knows that his parent's word is as good as law. A consistently enforced consequence is the best antitode to parenting by nagging!
4. Do Not Argue. Children has a tendency to "invite" the parent to argue by asking "Why?" (in a defiant tone). Do not attempt to debate because the focus of that "Why" is already self-centered from the start! State your reasons once and then proceed to enforcement. If a child can be argued into good behavior, then we do not need the law, only lawyers would do!
5. Relationship Before Correction. A parent who leads best, leads by love. The motivation for exercising our authoritative role at home is to bring order and harmony into the life of the child. Without a prior commitment to a loving relationship, I have no basis for exercising my authority. Without a firm commitment to authoritative guidance, I have no basis for commanding respect. So, really - love and authority are not opposite poles, rather they are both sides of the same coin.

A child who grows up in a family where the parents exercise benevolent leadership is going to be a "mind-ful" adult when he grows up. This is because he has been trained to consider the needs of others first before his own. In short, he knows what it means to show respect to others - isn't respect the key ingredient to what makes a society work? It is when respect is missing, that one grows to become a "mind-less" individual who is so full of himself that others are there just to serve his needs! When I exercise authority at home, I am actually training my child to be much better adjusted to society later on. Think about it.

Parenting Seasons : Do You Know Yours?

The birth of a new baby brings great joy .. but beware of centering your attention around the little one for too long! When the child reaches his 3rd birthday, you must be asking yourself the following "leadership litmus" questions :

1. Do I spend a weekly "date" with the my spouse? Or are all the available time taken up by the child?
2. Have I started assigning simple chores for the child to do at home? Or am I still serving him from head to toe?
3. When I come home, who do I run to first? My spouse or my kid?

The first 2 years of a child's life is marked by a season of service. From the 3rd birthday on, parents must exercise a season of leadership. The first area of leadership is the strength of your marriage. Think about it, how are you both going to lead with authority, deserving respect if there is no unity, communication, love and respect between the husband and wife? It is no wonder that the child look to sources outside of the home for respect and leadership! The foremost thing you can do in your parenting is to give your marriage the space, time and effort that it deserves - then you will be parenting from a position of security. When you put your marriage relationship first, then you can parent confidently and work on training the child for respect, obedience and character because that is how you treat one another.

Fulfill this leadership role well for the next 10 years and once the child enters the teenage years, your parenting season while transit successfully from one of leadership to one of mentoring/friendship. My heart aches when I see parents start off by being a friend and best buddy with their kid when young and then later on, when they realize that respect and obedience is missing in the teen years, they start to act authoritatively - which inevitably leads to rebellioussness! This is doing the right thing at the wrong time. Parenting with authority is great but it works effectively only during the primary years of age 3-13. Beyond that, any display of authoritative intervention is only going to backfire. What's the moral of the story?

Take charge of your parenting when the child is still in their primary years. It may mean being mean - but I would rather have them "hate" me in the short term to reap the long term effect of character growth. Work hard during the primary years and be persistent in your "sowing", and if you do not give up, you will "reap" the fruits of respect and character during the teen years. I believe that the teen years can be the most productive period of a child's life if the parenting is done deliberately during the first 13 years of their lives.

Click here to listen to a radio interview on BFM concerning this subject