Responsibility : It's About Duties & Accountability

My effectiveness in building responsibility in my child is demonstrated in two ways :

1. Am I giving my child routine chores to do at home (without paying them for it)?
2. Am I constantly helping my child in his homework and protecting him from the consequences of his own negligence?

Routine chores at home does more to build a sense of personal responsibility than co-curricular activities. Are you a parenting chauffeur that spends more time driving your child from one place to another - so much so, that the house ends up being more like a hotel than home to the child? When a child is given routine chores (appropriate to the age), it builds a sense of ownership and appreciation for the home and he would grow up having a "contributive" mindset rather than one of "entitlement". Isn't this what good citizenship is all about?

When your child is late in submitting his homework due to his own negligence, what do you do? If you step in too often and "chip in" and help, what message are you sending to the child? Personal accountability can only be learned if the child is left to experience the consequences of his actions (or lack of it). Certain things in life (especially character lessons) must be experienced and if we as parents step in constantly to "rescue" the child, we are doing them a disfavor! Effective parenting takes place when the child learns that lesson of cause and effect. Yes, it may mean a dip in their grades when you refuse to micro-manage but in the long term, you are parenting your child to stand on his own two feet rather than on yours. Isn't that what we desire in the long-term? So, make sure your daily actions do not contradict that long-term view!

Click here to listen to a radio interview on BFM concerning this subject.

Character : Are You a Far-Sighted Parent?

Ask yourself this question - "How would I desire to describe my child when he or she reaches 30 years old?" Would you want your child to be rich, powerful, well-connected and intelligent? Why, of course! But if given a choice between riches and reputation - which would you rather have? Here's the paradox of parenting :

We say we want to develop our child to be a person of character (in the long term) and yet our day to day actions only reflect our commitment to parent them to their next report card! What we do in the short term contradicts our goal for them in the future! Here's the wake-up call : If we do not parent them differently on a day-to-day basis, do not be surprised if they "suddenly" become rebellious, uncorporative, self-centered and stubborn!

It is not enough just to model good character for your kids. We need to take time to diligently teach character at home. A child has no choice but to misbehave if they are not properly taught. Here are a few practical steps you can take to teach character at home :

1. Have family meals together everyday. Don't just eat but take it as an opportunity to share the happenings of the day, the stories of your past and lessons learnt. Meal times are a fantastic opportunity for you to connect values with the next generation. Somehow, when there is food, the heart is more receptive!
2. Have the habit of reading aloud to your kids. There is something magical about gathering together on the sofa and reading a good story. Add in role-playing and dramatic intonation - you will be creating memories for years to come!
3. Give character definitions. What does patience mean? How does one practice determination? By defining what these character qualities mean, your child will be able to demonstrate it more precisely. Character Training Institute provides a comprehensive list of 49 character qualities for reference.
4. Relate real life stories with character implications. Show them newspaper articles, incidences, stories of success (and failure) - you will be amazed how many of these outcome is due not to a lack of skill, rather it is due to a lack of character. Acquaint your child with the cause-and-effect of a life with and without character and "connect the dots" for them. In this way, you will be developing their conscience to do what is right (especially when you are not around!)

Click here to listen to a live radio interview on BFM on this subject.

Respect : It's Not About Self-Esteem!

Social scientist Roy Baumeister has spent more than a decade studying people who possess high self-esteem. He has discovered, for example, that people with high self-esteem tend to have low self-control, especially when they aren't getting their way. They don't handle defeat or disappointment very well. Most stupefying, Baumeister discovered that hard-core criminals - people locked up in maximum-security prisons - score higher on self-esteem assessments than any other group. (reference - John Rosemond, Parenting by the Book).

The opposite of self-esteem is not low self-confidence. The opposite to self-esteem is humility and modesty. Aren't these the qualities that parents 50 years ago would espoused? I propose a simple test to assess the levelof self-esteem in a family - just observe how birthday parties are conducted. In fact, there is a website set up which gives practical advice to parents so that you do not over-inflate your child's sense of self-centeredness when organizing birthday parties! Think about it.

Self-esteem breeds an entitlement attitude - "I am the center of attention". Self-respect on the other hands considers my obligation to others, putting the interest of others above my own. Respect is what holds a community together and the best place to teach and practice respect is right at home.

Click here to listen to a live radio interview on this subject on BFM.

Discipline : It's About Communication & Consistency

To discipline someone is to disciple that someone. It is about bringing someone to a way of life that has been proven and tested. Often, the word consequence comes to mind when we talk about the subject of discipline - bringing with it a punitive element. Sure, we may bring the child into compliance through consequence but have we communicated clearly enough so that the child is not left interpreting our instructions to his own convenience? One sign of incomplete communication is - constant nagging. If you find yourself nagging your child regularly, it is time to take stock of your Communication-Consistency-Quotient (CCQ) :

1. I do not need to repeat my instruction. First time obedience is what I get.
2. I do not end my instruction with "OK?". Doing this means I need permission for compliance!
3. I say what I mean. I actually carry out what I said I would do because I am willing to put up with short-term childish displeasure for long-term adult responsibility.
4. I do not believe in reasoning for change. The child is fundamentally selfish. Action speaks louder.
5. My child pays more attention to me than I to him.

How is your score? If you say "No" to any of the above, then you may be in danger of raising a child-centered family (as opposed to a parent-centered family).

For a live radio interview on this topic of discipline, click on this link for the BFM radio broadcast.