Comment : Unimaginative, Obedient Clones?

Ah!... the Asian obsession with discipline. Its only necessary because Asians have failed to be guides and mentors to their children. Instead they would rather force them into the mould "that has been proven and tested" to produce mindless, unimaginative, obedient and (supposedly) respectful clones - (comment from a listener).

I agree. Mentoring is a key parenting responsibility. However, it is the "cart" which should be placed only once the "horse" is in place. A truly mentoring relationship assumes the following :

1. The mentoree (the one being mentored) is willing and committed to the mentoring process.
2. The mentor acts from a position of confidence and authority (not frustration and anger).
3. There is a framework by which consistent value-judgement decisions are made.

The above criteria can only be met if the child has been raised by parents who take an active leadership role in their lives (especially during the primary years of age 3-12). I do not believe in the tabula rasa philosophy where children are assumed to be fundamentally good. In fact, our instinctive experience shows otherwise i.e. more effort needs to be put in to train for good character while the default mode is one of deterioration. So, the early years of child rearing ought to be focused on building the right attitude of respect for authority. Think about it - the very basis of civilized living is based on respect. Respect for life. Respect for possession. Respect for property. Respect for teachers. The list goes on.

Does that mean the child then becomes unimaginative and mindless? On the contrary, an obedient child is a happy child. One who has been trained to live in right relationship with others will focus on a "responsibility" attitude rather than that of an "entitlement" mindset. However, we parents must be mindful not to equate authority with a show of force - abusive use of strength and threats are never justified.

What about creativity? Creativity works best when there is a strong value focus. Let's face it - even a bank robber needs creativity! But what distinguishes a robber from a donor? It is their value-judgement framework. This framework I believe is best built within a relationship of respect for authority structures. In other words, once the heart is in the right place, the skills of the hands find its rightful expression. Again, I cannot over-emphasize the need for a parent to be lovingly authoritative and authoritatively loving. To love without authority leads to permissiveness and to exercise authority without love leads to harshness.

In summary, the "cloning" process is vital if it is focused on building values and good character for this forms the foundation by which the exercise of the skills of creativity will find meaning, purpose and direction. Effective parenting at the end of the day is to set the heart of our child in the right place and when it is, then the mentoring experience becomes a pleasant one. To mentor well, we must first teach diligently. Any takers?

Character : Are You a Far-Sighted Parent?

Ask yourself this question - "How would I desire to describe my child when he or she reaches 30 years old?" Would you want your child to be rich, powerful, well-connected and intelligent? Why, of course! But if given a choice between riches and reputation - which would you rather have? Here's the paradox of parenting :

We say we want to develop our child to be a person of character (in the long term) and yet our day to day actions only reflect our commitment to parent them to their next report card! What we do in the short term contradicts our goal for them in the future! Here's the wake-up call : If we do not parent them differently on a day-to-day basis, do not be surprised if they "suddenly" become rebellious, uncorporative, self-centered and stubborn!

It is not enough just to model good character for your kids. We need to take time to diligently teach character at home. A child has no choice but to misbehave if they are not properly taught. Here are a few practical steps you can take to teach character at home :

1. Have family meals together everyday. Don't just eat but take it as an opportunity to share the happenings of the day, the stories of your past and lessons learnt. Meal times are a fantastic opportunity for you to connect values with the next generation. Somehow, when there is food, the heart is more receptive!
2. Have the habit of reading aloud to your kids. There is something magical about gathering together on the sofa and reading a good story. Add in role-playing and dramatic intonation - you will be creating memories for years to come!
3. Give character definitions. What does patience mean? How does one practice determination? By defining what these character qualities mean, your child will be able to demonstrate it more precisely. Character Training Institute provides a comprehensive list of 49 character qualities for reference.
4. Relate real life stories with character implications. Show them newspaper articles, incidences, stories of success (and failure) - you will be amazed how many of these outcome is due not to a lack of skill, rather it is due to a lack of character. Acquaint your child with the cause-and-effect of a life with and without character and "connect the dots" for them. In this way, you will be developing their conscience to do what is right (especially when you are not around!)

Click here to listen to a live radio interview on BFM on this subject.